“A mind that is stretched by new experiences can never go back to its original dimensions.” (Oliver Wendell Holmes)

Today is a bit like a birthday for me.

One year ago today, in a bamboo temple in a forest in Costa Rica, I woke up after my first experience with Ayahuasca. And my life changed forever.

The journey to get to this particular forest was not a straightforward one. I had been aware of Ayahuasca, and the chemical compound dimethyltryptamine (DMT), for a few years. I had done the research- I had heard the stories about DMT being used to treat everything from anxiety and depression to heroin addiction, and with astonishing success rates. I’d seen the documentaries and explored the science. I knew that Ayahuasca was my last option before turning to pharmaceuticals to attempt to drag myself out of the mire that my mental life had become. I had looked into the spiritual aspects behind the drug; I had heard the claims about DMT being the ‘spirit molecule,’ the one chemical chain that every living being shares. I knew that there were people who maintained that ingesting Ayahuasca gave you access to global consciousness, to the Universe at large.

However, upon leaving the US in the fall and heading to Costa Rica, I had very few ideas about where to find Ayahuasca, past, ‘go to Peru.’

Don’t get me wrong- there are plenty of people in Peru with access to the internet who are trying to get you to come stay with them, pay lots of money, and have a healing experience. But I didn’t want it to be like that. As with any natural or traditional solution in today’s world, the growing popularity of Ayahuasca has invited as many charlatans as there are tourists looking for a quick fix to their problems or for a story to tell back home. And so the plan that I developed with my boyfriend at the time, who I was traveling with for the winter, was that we would head towards Peru from Costa Rica, and plan on spending a month or two there meeting locals and feeling out the situation. If Ayahuasca found us, great. If not, we weren’t going to push it. Better to have no experience at all than a bad one.

Alas, our plans were thwarted within a couple days of flying into Costa Rica. It seemed that the Darien Gap, a small strip of land located at the border between Panama and Colombia, would be keeping us out of South America. (Central and South America are contiguous- technically. However, the political climate and guerilla warfare in northern Colombia ensure that traveling from Central to South America by land is essentially impossible, at least using public transit. This we figured out once we were in Central America, and planning on heading south to spend most of our trip in South America… Poor planning strikes again.) Because the Darien Gap is essentially impassable, that put flights and boats from Central to South America at a premium. It was going to cost us more to get to Peru from Costa Rica than it would have if we had flown straight there from Washington DC.

So, since we weren’t going to push it from the beginning, we just let go of South America mentally, and turned our focus to Spanish lessons and surfing in Costa Rica, Guatemala, and El Salvador.

Then, through an incredible set of chance encounters and with a fair amount of serendipity, I found myself back in Costa Rica at the end of our trip. Just a week before our flight home we rolled into a little community about an hour inland from the coastal town of Dominical, where we would be staying for about five days. The schedule included morning yoga sessions, a sweat lodge, and an Ayahuasca ceremony, all within the context of this healing community that uses nutrition, plant based medicine, and music to help people heal and grow.

I was out of my element, I was scared to death of what I was going to have to face during the ceremony, and I was absolutely starving the whole time I was there (they maintained a mainly vegan diet, with no processed sugar or caffeine, to ensure physical well being during the process of all of that spiritual growth. We also missed a few meals due to ceremonies. All around, my body was not thrilled, although I’m sure it did me some good.).

But I was there. And because I was there, I am here now- sitting in Austin, on this road trip, building this new life.

When I realized yesterday morning that exactly a year before I had woken up to the morning before the ceremony, I had to take a minute. This was a huge event in my life, and I wanted to honor it, somehow. So I reflected on the past year, and I flipped through my journal to what I had written this time last year.

Then I realized that even though I still haven’t caught up on my writing about Louisiana, I wanted to write about this experience. It almost feels like a duty. I know one of the secrets to mental stability and building a happy life. It’s not the only way, but it’s a way that worked for me- and worked well. I personally believe that every single person who is even minutely open to the idea of Ayahuasca should experience it at least once in their lives. Make the effort, find a shaman, prepare for the experience, and then just do it. There is no one who wouldn’t benefit from having their mind opened and their secret fears exposed to themselves.

And so, here is my story. What is in italics are direct excerpts from my journal, and the rest is added for clarification. (There is a lot in here that is challenging to traditional sensibilities, and I’m not presenting anything as absolute truth, just the truth as I understood it twelve months ago.)

 

(2/21)

Well, I have survived a sweat lodge. And of course, I have mixed feelings about it. Not surviving- that’s good. But the experience.

[…]

My mind wanders easily right now. I’m not sure if it’s the setting, or the mindset, or the lingering effects of the Peyote. The latter might be a small stretch- we were only given 2 small doses. But I guess it’s still possible…

It took a while to get things going yesterday. We were invited to start making our way down to the fire shortly after breakfast, but we probably didn’t start the sweat until around 1. Some people got a bit agitated by this, but I was at the point where nothing was in my control, so why sweat it… (get it?).

[…]

So, once we got started- we were swept with sage smoke, given a dose of Peyote, and we entered the sweat lodge. Girls on one side, guys on the other- everyone moves in a circle, clockwise. Once I found my seat, I added a bit of water to the granulated Peyote in my hand, and then ate it- it is not tasty. Then they started bringing rocks in from the fire. Before they even shut the door, we were all sweating. Then after the door was shut, and once water was poured over the rocks, it was stupendously hot- sweat was literally pouring off of us. Everyone sang, and listened to Vismay [the shaman]. I listened, but didn’t feel like singing.

[The center of all of the healing work done at this particular location is music. They have entire song books for both the sweat lodge ceremonies and the Ayahuasca ceremonies, and participants are encouraged to learn the songs before hand, and to participate in the singing, which is pretty much constant throughout both ceremonies. I did not sing at all, outside of the songs before each meal, because I was just too caught up in my own mental space, and fortunately that was okay with them also.]

At that point, I was reluctant to move lower to the ground, because even with my sarong to sit on, I was going to be covered in dirt/mud. So I sat. Pulled my knees up and put my head between them to get some relief from the steam. By the time Vismay opened the door, I was lightheaded and tingly, with sweat literally blinding me. I stumbled down to the river and immediately got in. Then went back in and started again.

The cold and wet had broken through the Peyote, and so the sensations calmed back down. I also had a talk with myself about my pride and accepted that I was going to get dirty, and reminded myself that that’s ok- it washes off.

From there on out, the going was somewhat easier. But still extremely uncomfortable. There were 4 rounds- for the 4 elements- with a longer break in the middle, followed by the second dose of Peyote. By the time we were done, it was almost sunset.

[The granulated Peyote they gave us wasn’t intended to be enough for a real trip, but rather enough to open us up to what the sweat was meant to accomplish- physical and emotional detoxification, with the goal of preparing for the Ayahuasca ceremony the next night. When looking at the schedule for our visit, I was entirely uninterested in participating in the sweat- I’m not one for voluntarily being uncomfortable- but I decided to follow their advice and really participate in the whole experience. If I was going to be subsisting on salads and veggie soup, I may as well sweat a lot too.

During the sweat, I would have told you, “Never again.” In retrospect, I do see the purpose and the functionality of the sweat, and would definitely participate again if I returned for another Ayahuasca ceremony.]

2/22

Last night felt like drinking the Kool Aid. And then I got it…

[Allow me to set the scene- the Ayahuasca ceremony started just after sunset, and lasted most of the night. It took place in the temple in a clearing in the center of the property. The temple was lit most of the night, and everyone was arranged on small mattresses around a small tabletop altar in the center of the temple. Again, guys on one side, girls on the other. Everyone was asked to wear white, and to begin with everyone was standing and singing. Doses of Ayahuasca were given by Vismay; one by one we went to him and took our dose, then returned to our mats. Everyone was free to move about, but was also encouraged to remain close. There were three total doses offered over the course of the evening, although most everyone (myself included) only took the first two.

One of the side effects of Ayahuasca is that it makes you vomit. Traditionally, this is seen as the physical manifestation of your emotional purging, and it’s understood that allowing yourself to vomit is the beginning of the real experience. Most retreat centers provide buckets to participants specifically for this purpose. Where we were, in an open air temple in the woods, we were encouraged to step outside to vomit. I guess this saved a couple steps in the composting cycle.]

After the first dose of Ayahuasca, I became aware that I was taking part in an ancient ritual. We’re in the jungle, in a bamboo temple, standing in a circle, dancing and singing, worshipping the Earth. We’re all taking the same hallucinogen and laying down together to trip face. To be connected to the Universe. My mental conditioning rejected being a part of the scene, even though I do believe in the basic premise of it all. It just felt so… cliché, in a way- exactly what you would imagine. And then the medicine kicked in and – in a real way- I got it. I still was a little uncomfortable, but I understood. And from there, the night only got crazier….

It was overwhelming, it was wonderful, it was eye opening…

I really expected a dark trip, because I really expected to have to work through so much of what makes me so sad. But almost nothing negative happened. I worried about Nate and Kivie helped by checking on him. After that, I was free to explore and learn. I glimpsed the Universe, feeling our pain with us. I saw the trees loving us. Molly was a fairy, carrying fire. And then everyone walking around was. … And at one point, I got to peek into the astral spaces. […]That was probably the single most trippy experience of my life. I don’t know now if it was real. But it felt real. So very real…

[That was pretty much all that I wrote at the time about the actual experiences I had on Ayahuasca. The night lasted for hours, and so many different things happened. But to attempt to put it all into words would have cheapened it. Even now, after a year’s worth of time to process it all, I still have trouble describing what I saw. Fortunately, I also made a list of all of the things I learned over the course of the night, and I have included it at the end…]

It’s amazing. I hadn’t realized how terribly nervous I was until I was standing in front of Vismay to take the first dose. I knew I was nervous, I’d been a wreck all day. But standing in front of him, I was almost shaking from fear. [I can be honest now- I was actually, literally, shaking.] And that was the worst part of the night.

The singing helped, for sure. The support I’d received all day also helped. But also, I realize now, I helped. I had so little to face because I face it on a daily basis. I’m honest with myself. I’ve been working towards this for years. And what a treat to be rewarded with such a blissful trip.

[Most people who seek out Ayahuasca to treat a mental or emotional issue have very dark first trips. In fact, they will continue to have dark trips every time they take Ayahuasca until they sort through whatever is causing the negative emotions in them. Having done my research, and going into the experience specifically because I had been depressed, I fully expected my experience to be negative. Fortunately, it wasn’t, and that mere fact gave me loads of insight into the root of my emotional issues, and how to approach them from there on out.]

What I Learned:

– Anything is possible. We are infinitely capable. There are guidelines.

– Some things are better left unfinished, than finished in a hurry. [I still don’t know what this means, but it was a recurring theme over the evening.]

– It is ok to be in pain. The Universe feels all of our pain with us. We are not alone. It is ok.

– The trees are aware. And they want so badly for us to understand. […]

– Hugs are important.

– Every soul is struggling with their body. Everyone is trying.

-My body is perfect. I love it.

– Again- pain is ok.

The thing with Ayahuasca is that- they have proven this scientifically- it literally rewires your brain. That is why it is so effective at treating addiction and depression; it directly targets and opens your serotonin receptors. Even beside the possibility of DMT really giving you access to the Universe at large, the possibility of a chemical change in my brain was my main reason for seeking this medicine. (I realize that I just made some big claims, and that this, if anywhere, is where I should cite my sources. To start, if you are interested, the documentary The Spirit Molecule is on Netflix, and I recommend it. Past that, a short breakdown of the science can be found at the end of this article. … If you’d like to know more, get proactive. It’s been over a year since I did this research myself, and at this point, either one of us can use Google.)

A year later, I can absolutely add my firsthand experience to the pile of evidence that supports this idea. I was depressed before. I’m not depressed now. And regardless of science, and religion, that is a big deal to me.

But there is also everything else that I’ve been able to realize as a result of my experience with Ayahuasca. Learning firsthand how capable my mind is, how infinite my mental powers can be, has given me the courage to do so much in the past year. Learning to approach the times I am sad, or just generally restless, from a new angle has allowed me to learn how to deal with the wild emotions that sometimes strike me. And then there are all of the little epiphanies that still find me.

I am positive that I would have, eventually, gotten to where I am now on my own. But I am also positive that my experience with Ayahuasca expedited my mental growth. What would probably have taken me a decade on my own, I’ve accomplished in a year. And that’s something to write home about.

There’s more I could say- I could probably write a book about this single experience- but I’ll stop here. Again, I have written more than I meant to.

But I am so very passionate about seeing others grow and be happy, and I really believe that Ayahuasca is one of the best ways to incite growth and happiness. If you’ve read this and would like to know more, please, please feel free to contact me. I will do everything I can to answer your questions, or to help you find someone with better answers than me. If you are interested in the community that I visited, I can connect you with them also.

No matter what though, here’s my take away for today- we are all infinitely capable. Whether or not I really had access to the Universe that night, my mind came up with some pretty phenomenal stuff. Honestly, it’s even more phenomenal if it was just me in there that night. And we all have these magnificent organs, these brains, that make us so very different from every other life form on this planet. Which means that you’re infinitely capable too. You really, really are. Magnificent, beautiful, and infinitely capable.

How very exciting.

Baby.